Giving thanks =)

November 27, 2009

Lots to be thankful for, not just today, but every day 🙂

My Abba has plans for me… and He knew these plans before I was ever born =)
Christ took my punishment on the cross, washing away my sins & giving me eternal life =)
The Holy Spirit continues to work in my heart… comforting me, teaching me, guiding me =)

My mom, who loves me, puts up with me, cares for me when I cant care for myself =)
My dad, who provides for his family and can do just about anything, Im pretty sure =)
My brother, who drives me insane, but I know he loves me & watches out for me =)
My grandparents, they do so much for me & take care of me & love me & play games with me & even drive 3 hours for me, so I can rest & enjoy their company =)

I have brothers & sisters in Christ who pray for me everyday =)
Amazing friends who support me, hang out with me, make me laugh til I cry & they kick my butt in Mario Kart (sometimes…) =)

❤ Twinsiness ❤

Music that encourages me…
and music that makes me wanna dance =) (yay for ASOT!)

Happy Colors…
especially green which reminds me of grass, dinosaurs & certain ppl =)

Dinosaurs, because they are AWESOME!!!!!

Great authors, like…
Charles Spurgeon…
Martin Luther…
Oswald Chambers…
Sigmund Brouwer =)

I can still see…
maybe not well, but I still can =)

Insects & Spiders- I never cease to be amazed at the amazing artistry that God put into the littlest of creatures!

So far, I am still free to publicly worship my Savior =)
So far, I am still free to read my Bible & share the Gospel =)

I am thankful for OBC…
the wonderful pastors…
the amazing body of believers!
I am thankful for the youth of OBC…
it encourage me so much, seeing young ppl using their talents & gifts for the glory of God! =)

and the ability to hug =)
its confusing & sometimes difficult, but imagine a world without it! =)
also confusing, but wonderful at the same time, its nice to be able to feel things so deeply within your soul =)

My car!
and the fantastic family from church who blessed me with it! *HUGS* =)

Awesome clothing & cosmetics which allow me to express my weird self =)
especially fedoras =)

Charlie the Unicorn =)
Skype =)
3-D movies =)

The obvious…
Oxygen =)
Food =)
Water =)

Photography ❤

A roof over my head, and a warm bed to sleep in…. =)


some thoughts… before i lose them.

November 23, 2009

Anxiety happens. It’s ok, sometimes God allows it, it is not a sin itself unless it is because we are not trusting God or we are not happy to accept His will.
Seek- that is a solution. Ask Him for peace, for strength.

This is why I tell you: Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Isn’t life more than food and the body more than clothing?…..But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Matthew 6:25 & 33

I’ve been confused by so many problems. That is why I’m anxious- overwhelmed by possibilities & immpossibilities- if only I would just leave it to God- trusting that His will is being done, in His time.
I worry about the littlest things–is my clothing preference, my love for bright colors, fascination with dinosaurs & insects, or even my hairstyle, offensive to God?
Being Christ-like is not about becoming a ‘monk’, if you will, or ‘plain’ like some faceless drone. I am His Creation.
Why am I worrying so much about these little things? God is concerned about the spiritual first! Do I think I’d be more Christ like if I dressed in neutral colors? Didn’t admire His creation? Let my hair grow flat and to my ankles? I’m worrying so much about the future… worried about who I am going to be, not giving much thought to the here and now. Becoming more Christ-like is not about what I do but who I am. I need to be concentrating on SEEKing God & becoming more like Christ in the spiritual sense. 1 Timothy 4:12 speaks of being an example in
There’s nothing there about about individuality being a sin. I can be an individual & wear all the crazy clothing I want, carry around all the plastic dinosaurs I want & put my hair up in abby-tails everyday if I want! I mean if I start dressing like a slut or worshipping Stuart or something OBVIOUSLY then it would be a sin… but God made bright colors, He made nature & all of the beautiful little bugs, why would He not want me to be excited about it?
This all seems so simple & I’m sure somebody reading this will wonder if I’m crazy (It’s ok, I do too) but I do believe Satan has been feeding me these lies… trying to tell me that Im failing just because I am unique. I have completely lost focus! Which is probably exactly what his plan was…….
For weeks I’ve been looking for answers, and that search overwhelmed me. Reading is difficult for me now, so that just confused me more. This past week, while I’ve been away- not pressured, just chillaxin- I asked God, “Please…. just show me what it means to be Christ-like.” I didnt spend hours begging Him, I think I only asked once… and sat back and waited. Today, He answered.
I am thankful for a Father who is so patient & loves me no matter how distracted I get over frivolous things. I am thankful for a Savior who took my well-deserved punishment & died just to be with me. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit who continues to work in my heart, no matter how crazy I get.


July 21, 2009

I went to a different doctor Wednesday and oh my gosh did that appointment help me! She gave me some new meds for my pain, anxiety, muscle twitches & sleep difficulties. Wow, I now know that before last week I had no idea what a good night’s rest was! For the first time in my life I have been waking up early, and ready to get up! Wow! The painkillers are helping to take the edge off my worst pain, making it much easier to get through the day. I actually handled a busy lunch hour as the only waitress on the floor today! Normally I couldn’t make it through that, but I did not get to my ‘crashing’ point ’til at least 3pm.  Add all this on top of the ridiculous peace God has been giving me about everything— I’m doing pretty good =) I feel like ME is escaping… its been locked up, in a dark, forgotten dungeon, but its finally being released. Im smiling more, laughing more, enjoying things again =) Friends, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of your prayers, because I know that this joy I am feeling despite my circumstances it is all God and I know you all have been praying for that for me 🙂


July 6, 2009

The worst part for me in living with Lyme is being alone. I cannot get out and do as much as others, it makes for a horrible social life. If I did not have Christ, loneliness would be the end of me. Loneliness is often followed by depression. There was a time when I didn’t depend on Christ at all, and when I would get lonely the suicidal thoughts would start creeping into my mind. Even though now I rely on Christ for my strength, I still long for fellowship; Some argue that we do not need fellow man if we have Christ, but I don’t think that’s the way God meant it to be.

I know God is going to use my situation to His glory, I have confidence that there is a reason for my suffering. If nothing else, I know He is teaching me a huge lesson on MERCY, and surely He will use that lesson to help another someday. There are two really effective methods God uses to teach mercy: Allowing you to suffer hardships; and experiencing the harsh, deeply painful rejection or neglect from your brothers and sisters in Christ.

One thing that God is showing me through these experiences, is how many other people are suffering… alone! We get stuck in our routines, busy with our daily life… we don’t often stop and think about these things. What if there is one person in your life, whom you are often around, and this person is suffering physicaly, mentally, etc. and they are so lonely and discouraged that they just want to DIE— but you could make a difference, would you take that opportunity? Or are you too busy to bother?


Mercy: compassionate treatment of those in distress

Compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others distress, together with a desire to alleviate it

Blessed are the merciful, because they will be shown mercy.
Matthew 5:7

Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
Luke 6:36


My purpose in writing this is not to complain about my situation, but use it to challenge you… I am suffering, I am lonely… BUT I know Christ, He is my Lord… so move on, but what about the next suffering person, do they know Christ? Maybe they know Christ, but they are doubting, wondering where the love of God is… they go to church week after week… maybe a few people say hello or shake their hand, but nobody really reaches out or tries to help them.

Yeah, I know you’re not psychic, how are you supposed to know someone is alone and suffering? The depressed are often good at hiding it. BUT if you get even the slightest inkling that this person is suffering… what will you do with that? What if it is quite apparent? What if you can do something?

1 John 3:16-18 (The Message)

This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God’s love? It disappears. And you made it disappear. My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality.

I recently heard a lonely, hurting Christian reach out to another, and got a response of “I’d love to get to know you, but I just don’t have the time” Ouch! There have been times I’ve flat out told a friend… I NEED YOU… I am so lonely and hurting, can you spare me just a few minutes of time, please come see me; but the friend was too busy, and could not spare even a moment for a hurting friend. I do not hold it against them, I am happy they can enjoy a full life, even if I cannot. I just wonder if anyone thinks of this, or really truly cares…

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up.

This is difficult for me to talk about, because many look down upon hurting or depressed Christians, saying that if you truly have Christ you cannot suffer from depression, you simply aren’t trusting God enough. If you truly believe that… then you have never suffered from a depressed mind (or won’t admit to it). I’m not talking about ‘oh, life is horrible, I refuse to see it any other way’ depression. I’m talking about being broken. Do you know that feeling? Happiness is often a choice, but sometimes it is completely out of our control! You can’t assume a person is crazy or chooses depression- it is caused by many different things: medical conditions, food allergies, medicine, stress/trauma, or how ’bout an illness that makes daily living extremely difficult?? Hmm? David talked about depression many times in the Psalms… he cried out to God to rescue him from the miry depths! Even Jesus suffered some anxiety; in the garden… He “knelt down and prayed, Father if you are willing, take this cup from me…And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:42 & 44).

I love what Charles Spurgeon says about being merciful to the depressed:

The worst ill in the world is not poverty; the worst of ills is a depressed spirit. At least, I scarcely know anything that can be worse than this, and there are even among the excellent of the earth some who seldom have a bright day in the whole year. December seems to rule the whole twelve months. Because of their heaviness, they are subject to bondage all their lives long. If they march to heaven, it is on crutches as Mr. Ready-to-halt did, and they water the way with tears as Miss Much-afraid did in Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress. They are afraid sometimes that they were never converted; at another time, that they have fallen from grace; at another time, that they have sinned the unpardonable sin; at another time, that Christ has left them, and they will never see His face again. They are full of all kinds of troubles; “they reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are [often] at their wits end” (Psalm 107:27).

There are many Christian people who always get out of the way of such folks as these, or if they come across them, they say, ‘It is enough to make anybody miserable. Who wants to talk with such people? They ought to be more cheerful; they are giving way to nervousness,” and so on. That may be quite true, but it is always a pity to say it. You might as well tell a man when he has a headache that he is giving way to the headache, or when he has a fever that he is giving way to the fever. The fact is, there is nothing more real than some of those diseases that are traceable to the imagination, for they are real in their pain, though perhaps we could not reason about their causes.

The merciful man is always merciful to these people. He puts up with their whims. He knows very often that they are foolish but he understands that he would be foolish too if he were to tell them so, for it would make them more foolish than they are. He does not consult his own comfort and say, “I want to get comfort from this person”; he desires to confer comfort. He remembers that it is written, “Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees.” (Isa. 35:3), and he knows that command, “comfort ye my people saith your God. Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem” (Isa. 40:1-2). He understands that, as his Lord and Master sought after what was wounded, bound up what was broken, healed what was sick, and brought in what was driven away, in the same way all His servants should imitate their Maker by looking with greatest interest after those who are in the saddest plight.

O children of God, if ever you are hardhearted toward any sorrowful person, you are not what you ought to be. You are not like your Master, you are not like yourselves when you are in your right state of mind, for when you are, you are tender and full of pity and compassion. You have learned from the Lord Jesus that the merciful are blessed and that they will obtain mercy. Possibly, when you too become depressed, as you may, you may recollect those jeering words and those unkind expressions that you used concerning others. When we get very big, it may be that the Lord will take us down, and we will be glad for any little mouse holes to hide our heads in. ”

Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. (Luke 6:36).

I know this is getting long, bear with me!

Of course we are to show the love of Christ to the Lost… but do we have a responsibility to care for fellow believers?

Yes! Remember these words of Christ:

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'” (Matthew 25:34-40)

As I recall the many, many times in my life I’ve been passed by and asked, ‘God, why must I feel so alone?!?’, I wonder… how many other people are sitting in church every Sunday morning thinking the same thing. Furthermore… if they are lost and they are in church looking for love and we do not show it to them… doesn’t that alarm you at all? Surely, it must!!

I am not directing this towards any particular church, I am directing to any and ALL bodies of believers. Don’t just think about this in church… think about it in the grocery store, at the mall, on facebook, in your neighborhood…

Are there people in your life who are hurting, whom YOU could show the Love of Christ to?

The needs of a suffering person are numerous… it can be overwhelmeing, so perhaps you shy away from reaching out because you aren’t sure what could be done, or if you have enough time. If you don’t know what depression is like then TRUST ME ON THIS– you have no idea how much the smallest things mean to a hurting soul. Can you stop and chat for a few minutes? Can you spare a hug? Can you call? Can you offer a small bit of help? CAN YOU SMILE?? It could make a persons entire week more cheerful, I’m serious!

God has blessed me with a great friend at church who recently reached out to me & has encouraged me in so many ways. Amongst other things, she has visited, brought me movies to watch, offered me rides from work. She invited me to sit with her at church, and as I sat there with her family Sunday, I didn’t even know what to do with myself! Seems small to you, but I felt so loved by that simple gesture. Today as I was leaving church, another church goer (one of the youth!)  smiled and waved at me as I drove by… and even just that put a smile on my face & heart. It might not seem like much… but to a person who is struggling through the mire, a friendly smile can be more valuable than a gift of gold.


June 24, 2009

I’ve been doing P90X with my family for less than a week now, and one thing I am noticing is that my muscle twitches & spasms are getting worse! I take it as a good sign… in high concentrations, oxygen kills Lyme spirochetes; that is why the $30,000+ oxygen chamber treatment is so popular and effective. When I exercise, I of course take in extra oxygen, so it makes sense that it will affect the LD! I pushed myself a bit harder yesterday… yes, I had to sleep all day to recover, but I didn’t have to work so there was more time for rest. Tonight my hands are spazzing (I like to say spazzing…) a lot, typing is REALLY hard, backspace button is my friend!

Anyway, my point in bringing this up: I don’t push myself because I don’t want to be completely exhausted the next day (I have enough trouble trying to get through 2-4 hours of work) BUT if I did push myself a little harder, maybe it would be a better offense in this battle. It would also mean I’d probably be out of commission for awhile. :/ That’s a problem as far as work is concerned, so I’ve decided not to do this, UNLESS I win my appeal for SSI. If that happens, I am going to take a few weeks off from work to hit LD in any way possible. Then I can exercise more and sleep all I need 🙂

Game Plan

June 23, 2009
Yesterday I touched on my current treatment/supplement regimen; Now I will delve into that subject a bit more and talk about my current health plan. I like to refer to it as my ‘Game Plan’ and I want to share it for many reasons…. info/ideas for other Lymies… and to keep myself accountable. If I’m telling the world, then I have to behave. My co-workers are good at saying ‘Crystal DON’T eat that!’ =D So I would like to extend a hand-smacking invitation to all friends- just don’t hurt me too bad.

Let’s go over past Game Plan….


  • Wheat products
  • All fruits
  • Sugar
  • Yeast
  • Any food/drink packaged in plastic (except dry goods, beans, rice, etc.)

Yes…. I have an allergy of sorts to plastic… Plastic breaks down over time and leaches into food- my liver apparently can’t handle it, and it builds up as a toxin.

So this has meant no bread, no fruit, nothing with sugar or yeast, and nothing packaged in plastic. Think this is bad? =D Just wait, it gets better…..

Dr. M has had me on many supplements since September ’08, many to help with the LD symptoms, candida, depression, eliminating built up toxins from the plastic & to improve my digestion (I once was unable to eat raw veggies, too!) and I have seen great improvement in all areas except my pain & fatigue. On and off my heart has been giving me problems, but Dr. M always seems to get me the right supplement to improve it, I am currently not having as many problems.

Despite the above improvements, my pain & fatigue have worsened and I have been struggling to keep my chin up. I’ll be honest…. I am SO tired of fighting! Been in pain one way or another since the day I was born, and fighting Lyme Disease for almost 10 years now… I am tired of everyday feeling like I am dying, barely able to move. I know, this could all be a lot worse, but I am 21… and have no idea what it’s like to have plenty of energy and no pain… I have arthritis, some days I cant use my hands, my memory fails me, I get lost in familiar places, forget how to do everyday tasks, my vision and hearing are failing, every joint feels like it will explode from pressure and my muscles feel like they are being pricked by hot nails… they also randomly start twitching or having spasms which is not only VERY painful but results in many sleepless, tearful nights.

I am not telling you all this just to whine and complain… I remind myself often (well I try) that it could be much worse and I thank God for what I can do- When I have to remember and concentrate on how to walk… I praise Him that I can still stand; When I can’t use my hands… I praise Him that they’re still attached; When I have difficulty talking, hearing, seeing, well I’m just glad for whatever I can do!! 🙂 Illness will make you realize how many simple things you take for granted. I still spend way too much time not being thankful… give me a break, I’m human. An exhausted human at that.

As I was saying, I’m not trying to make this a pity party, I just want to give you an idea of what I am going through and what I am fighting for… I want to know a pain-free day, I want to have more energy, I want my independence back, I want to be healthy!

I do not know what God has in store for me, why He allows this. I certainly have no idea where He is going with it, but I will trust that He is in control! If He uses it for His glory, it will all be worth it, even if He allows me to get worse. However, God did appoint me caretaker of this temple, and I want to do whatever I can to fight for a healthier, stronger temple.

So here’s the new and improved Game Plan:

In addition to the former no-nos, I am avoiding:

  • All grains
  • Coffee
  • Sodas (except sparkling mineral water)
  • Processed foods
  • Most dairy products
  • Grain-fed Beef

This has always been a tough thing, as my pain makes most exercise unbearable. My mother is a Personal trainer & Beachbody Coach, she has recently started the P90X program with my Dad & brother, it is intense, but I am joining them everyday and doing what I can… in a majorly modified way =D I have to be careful not to injure my weak joints more than anything, and if I push myself too far I will be VERY sick the next day (LD spirochetes don’t like exercise!) and that makes life even more miserable. If nothing else, I try to go for just one move, or if I absolutely can’t do what they are doing, just gently walk in place, keep moving!

In addition to the supplements Dr. M recommends, I today began taking MSM powder… google it, it’s pretty fascinating stuff! It is something that our bodies already have, but because of modern eating and cooking, many people are deficient. It helps with chronic pain, inflammation, etc. I am giving it a try!

Dr. G, my Lyme doc, says I have to take control, can’t let LD be in charge! I need to listen to my body, and give it what it needs. Meaning I need to take it easy when I am not feeling well! This is hard for me, because I am so stubborn, but I am going to work on it. Make sure that I get enough sleep and do whatever I can to get comfortable enough to get to sleep. If I am tired in the middle of the day and can’t go on… I’ll take a nap (and not beat myself up for it). Take more warm baths to relieve some of the pain. I’ve too often been working to the point of exhaustion, so I’ve cut my hours back at the Hut even more, to allow for rest & time to concentrate on my health.

To wrap things up… my body needs excellent nutrition, movement, supplements and rest in order to build up my immune system, fight the Lyme, and help my body to heal. Dr. M says I am an onion… we keep peeling away layers and working on one issue at a time, as it comes up… and Dr. G describes this as war… I may not be able to win the war anytime soon… but I will fight the little battles and win whatever victories I can. There you have it…. this is WAR.


Friends, please: Pray for me… for spiritual and emotional strength to keep fighting, some days I really want to give up. Encourage me… whether its just hug or a smile or ‘DON’T YOU EAT THAT!’ I will be grateful. Bear with me… living with this can make a person very grouchy (ask my mom), I can’t always handle the stress- some days I’m so depressed I can’t think straight or I’m a totally numb zombie-like shell of a human who has misplaced her smile.

Look, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
I will act for My own sake, indeed, My own,
for how can I be defiled?
I will not give My glory to another.
Isaiah 48:10-11

That passage is from when the Israelites were being persecuted by the Babylonians (correct me if I’m wrong… it’s late). It has been a huge encouragement to me… and I take it as a promise… a promise that whatever trials and afflictions He allows me to go through… it is for His sake, His plan, His glory!

First blog in a while.

June 22, 2009

So I’ve decided to blog again. I used to ALL the time- it was good to vent, even if no one read it. It doesn’t totally matter if anyone reads it, but I do hope other Lymies, especially YOUNG Lymies might find this and read it and realize they’re not alone! Lyme Disease is very, very lonely for a young person. It is getting better now, as my peers get older they can sit still for longer periods haha. That was always a problem when I was younger, all the kids wanted to run and play and I couldn’t, therefore I was left behind. They didn’t mean to hurt me, they couldn’t possibly understand what was going on. Adults still don’t get it! I really, truly believe that no person- no matter how compassionate & understanding- can fully understand what another person is going through unless they’ve been there themselves. Those of us who go through difficulties have to try to remember that when we are frustrated because they just don’t get it!

Today was rough, I didn’t think I would make it through work. To make things worse, just after my ‘crashing’ point one of my co-workers starts talking to me about Lyme Disease, telling me that she had it, and knows many others who have but are 100% fine and cured now…. all they did were a few months of oral antibiotics, that’s all it took! I wanted to cry. I hate it when this happens. I’m not strong enough, emotionally, to have these conversations and explain myself. It gets me so upset!

I chose to walk away.

That was nice. Well technically it was rude towards her, but it was nice for me. I don’t want to get into debates with anyone over whether or not LD can be cured… from what I understand, if you’ve only had it a short period of time, you do the oral antibiotics and the LD spirochetes can be eliminated from your body. HOWEVER if you’ve had it for years and years without treatment, and especially if you already had a weak immune system… LD can take over, and at that point it is nearly, if not totally impossible to “cure.” I’m not a doc, just telling you the best I can from the best I know. So I get discouraged when people are like “Well, what are YOU doing? I’m fine! You must not be treating it right.” Gosh darn it, every body is different and I’m doing the best I can here people!

I’ve been treating with oral antibiotics for over 3 months now. I feel worse then ever. I’ve been seeing a kinesiologist, Dr. M, for 9 months, and she really helps my body deal with the symptoms, and my many other health problems (candida, digestion issues, skeletal issues, I have a long list of food & chemical allergies & sensitivites). My other problems have greatly improved, but the most difficult (and most obviously LD caused) symptoms continue to worsen- extreme joint pain; muscle twitches & spasms; muscle pain, numbness, burning; heart problems; losing dexterity in my hands; cognitive & comprehension difficulties, along with other neurological issues such as depression, anxiety and memory loss.

All of those symptoms are making daily life more difficult all the time. I get exhausted quickly, I can go strong for about 2 or 3 hours and then I crash… I immediately need to sit down and rest, usually get some sleep. The simplest tasks are suddenly huge annoyances. I miss doing my hair & make-up- right now I can barely get through showering & combing my hair, after that I no longer have the strength to lift my arms. Somedays I can’t write. Somedays I can barely even walk. However, I am super stubborn and I TRY to do all of these things on my own no matter how I’m feeling… which usually leads to more exhaustion because I push myself to hard. It doesn’t help that every day is different. Somedays I’m ok… everything hurts, but I can get my basic stuff done. The next day I can barely move. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING. Also hard to try to get other people to understand.

Also difficult to complete tasks….. like writing this blog, I was doing fine… suddenly my brain is shutting down and I’m having a difficult time putting my thoughts together. So that means I’m done for tonight, folks. Please leave me a comment, just to let me know that you’re reading, if nothing else.